My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???