How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
We’re all getting idioter.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
sistine chapel
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.