I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.