How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”