my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You Might Also Like
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
no refunds
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Mmmm canned fish.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Otters drive ottermobiles.