Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Look at this
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
A bold strategy
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.