Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.