Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
HELP 😭
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The glory of fall.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%