What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.