ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
You Might Also Like
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead