I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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This one’s “Alex”.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
🤣🤣🤣