I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go