I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.