I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
North and South
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.