Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Watermelon Boss!
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Morning.
Just had my nails done!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.