{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*lint rolls you awake*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Mmmm canned fish.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.