Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app