2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
You Might Also Like
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.