LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones