Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Vodka burrito was a success
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.