“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I didn’t come here to be called names
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see