Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.