*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert