Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.