Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Google assistant rules
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
this came to me in a vision
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2