i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
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My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan