some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.