Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My dog after a walk in the woods.