Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Safety first
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.