boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..