I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
im all 3
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Guantanamo Bae
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened