Roses are red, you always mattered,
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…