You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away