do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time