YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it