Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Good morning y’all ☀️
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Tony Hawk, age 6
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15