Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.