What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The three genders
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head