*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards