The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Owl Sanctuary
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Can Happiness buy money?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
#FunnyLife Insects
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.