cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
somewhere, in an alternate universe
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired