I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.