Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You Might Also Like
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
car not found
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
December birthdays be like…