1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”