mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Strangers have the best candy.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.