Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!