I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
How do you like your Corgi?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.