Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.