I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”