Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.